Dear Cologuard...
Harper Scott 
How about not plastering your giant damn logo all over the god damn box you sent me the test kit in? My neighbors all saw this. Plus I have to send it back in this same box. which means when I drop it off at the UPS station the employee is going to know I'm handing them a box with my shit in it.
| by Anonymous | reply 74 | July 16, 2023 6:55 PM |
Dear OP, Cologuard doesn't read DL.
| by Anonymous | reply 1 | September 4, 2021 3:16 AM |
You’re not doing anything shameful. This is a routine test. Get over it.
| by Anonymous | reply 2 | September 4, 2021 3:20 AM |
OP, can't you just be grateful that you don't have to have a colonoscopy? I don't give a-- well, CRAP what's on the box, as long as I don't have to endure that. Besides, most people are idiots and won't even realize what the name means.
| by Anonymous | reply 3 | September 4, 2021 3:20 AM |
Based on your post here, you are desperate for attention, so just think of the UPS store as yet another eye on you
| by Anonymous | reply 4 | September 4, 2021 3:21 AM |
OP, why are you such a pussy? Go get a colonoscopy. You’re a fucking baby.
| by Anonymous | reply 5 | September 4, 2021 3:22 AM |
I would just hate to be the guy/gal that has to open all those boxes.
| by Anonymous | reply 6 | September 4, 2021 3:29 AM |
Well, OP, at least somebody is talking about you!
| by Anonymous | reply 7 | September 4, 2021 3:40 AM |
Just like those June Allison bladder pads.
| by Anonymous | reply 8 | September 4, 2021 4:30 AM |
I would happily reserve and send in a box showing I avoided a colonoscopy than to have to drink nasty crap and shit my brains out for two days. (And then be cautioned that a little tube with a camera is going up my ass - after I’ve been sedated. Jesus. I’m gay. This is not the first or largest thing that’s been up there.) and I have to do this stuff mid-October.
Your a pussy, OP
| by Anonymous | reply 9 | September 4, 2021 4:43 AM |
[quote]most people are idiots and won't even realize what the name means.
Actually, I'm not particularly an idiot, but I would have no idea what it was.
| by Anonymous | reply 10 | September 4, 2021 4:46 AM |
[quote]OP, why are you such a pussy? Go get a colonoscopy. You’re a fucking baby.
R5, depending on where OP lives many docs are recommending, because of COVID in ERs and ICUs, their patients AVOID any procedures which could send them to the hospital.
My doc specifically said, even tho colonoscopies are very safe, there's always a chance something could go wrong and I'd need to be taken to the hospital-proper.
The safer bet, for now, is ColoGuard. It buys you 3 years before your next colon screening and insurance pays for it. We can get our colonoscopies when things mellow out in hospitals. Which, goddamn, it better mellow before 3 years... fuckin MAGAts and COVIDiots.
| by Anonymous | reply 11 | September 4, 2021 5:43 AM |
OP here
This was just simply about sending packages with discreet labeling. That's all.
I just turned 45 and my doc recommended me getting tested. I have no problem with getting a colonoscopy if need be. I just figured this would be a simple preliminary test. My mother had colon cancer, and I had to care for her through it all.
| by Anonymous | reply 12 | September 4, 2021 7:07 AM |
Ick. If I worked at UPS I would take that box in the back and right the back door into the dumpster.
| by Anonymous | reply 13 | September 4, 2021 7:10 AM |
Just kidding.
I would make the new guy right you up.
| by Anonymous | reply 14 | September 4, 2021 7:10 AM |
Dear OP, how big was the sample you placed in the testing kit?
Was it as big as a grain of rice? Or larger?
How are we supposed to measure these samples in order to get an accurate result?
| by Anonymous | reply 17 | September 4, 2021 7:18 AM |
OP, darling, nobody gives a shit.
| by Anonymous | reply 18 | September 4, 2021 7:24 AM |
R18, nobody gives a shit about your non stop BRF posts either
| by Anonymous | reply 19 | September 4, 2021 7:31 AM |
The fuck is a BRF post, R19?
And it's called bitchy HUMOR dear. It's Datalounge. Get it? The OP was posting about shit, and I said nobody gives a shit? It was intended as humor, you nasty cunt. If you don't get it perhaps DL is not a good place for you.
| by Anonymous | reply 20 | September 4, 2021 7:36 AM |
OMG! Shit just got realz.
| by Anonymous | reply 21 | September 4, 2021 8:12 AM |
R20, BRF means British Royal Family. Moron. Don't preach to me that DL isn't a place for me if you didn't even know that in the first place, dipshit.
| by Anonymous | reply 22 | September 4, 2021 9:10 AM |
There's no need for all this excremental language!
| by Anonymous | reply 23 | September 4, 2021 9:21 AM |
[quote] when I drop it off at the UPS station the employee is going to know I'm handing them a box with
Can you do it anonymously? Do it in another town.
| by Anonymous | reply 24 | September 4, 2021 11:52 PM |
Well R22 if I didn't even know what "BRF" stands for, then it certainly wasn't me making any "non stop BRF posts all over the place". I don't give a shit about the British Royal Family and don't post or read any of them. And some of use our words, not lame childish acronyms in an attempt to feel special and exclude people who they view as outsiders. So go choke on your BRF acronym and your failed grasp on who made what posts on DL. Bye bitch.
| by Anonymous | reply 25 | September 5, 2021 1:31 AM |
There is nothing scary about having a colonoscopy, except maybe the results. The procedure itself is easy, as you are knocked out for the whole thing. It's like being afraid to see the dentist.
So man up, you green-toothed, shit-crammed pussies.
| by Anonymous | reply 26 | September 5, 2021 1:55 AM |
I recently had my first colonoscopy and I asked not be put to sleep. I was given something (I guess for pain), but I was awake and aware of everything. It took 10 minutes and I got to look at my insides and talk to the doctor and nurse the whole time. The doctor even commended me on my cleanout. The prep is the worst part and even that wasn't awful-awful. Because I was awake the doctor would explain certain things and showed me when he removed a tiny polyp. The results took a few days and everything was fine.
My PCP tried to get me to do Cologuard, but I did research beforehand and decided that an actual colonoscopy was the smarter choice for me.
| by Anonymous | reply 27 | September 5, 2021 2:06 AM |
I was pretty much the same as you, R27 re: being knocked out. But I differ with you on the prep. That was several days of hell. Particularly the last two. You have to completely change your diet for the week or so before the procedure, then go on a liquid diet, then take the “bowel prep” stuff over two days and shit your brains out.
The colonoscopy itself is just a tiny tube shoved up your ass. Even”total tops” have bigger things up there - or come out of there.
| by Anonymous | reply 28 | September 5, 2021 3:35 AM |
R28-Who's your gastroenterologist? Dr. Mengele? There is no reason on Earth why you need to go to such extreme measures for prep. Your doctor got off fucking with you.
| by Anonymous | reply 29 | September 5, 2021 4:42 AM |
On the bright side, this is certainly an effective way to discourage porch piracy.
| by Anonymous | reply 30 | September 5, 2021 4:50 AM |
You let random strangers into your ass and THIS bothers you??
| by Anonymous | reply 31 | September 5, 2021 4:50 AM |
It could’ve been worse - it could’ve been a Sureflo box.
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 32 | September 5, 2021 4:59 AM |
R28, I have to agree with R29. Unless you had to have some kind of special colonoscopy, my prep wasn't anything like that. It was this powder that I had to mix in a jug with water 24 hours before the procedure that I could follow up with a few sips of a light colored liquid of my choice.
| by Anonymous | reply 33 | September 5, 2021 5:02 AM |
I want a real doctor to look up there and look around. I can't imagine some disinterested lab worker who hates the fact that they have to shift thru people's shit all day while surfing Instagram all day on their phone. It seems like that's a recipe for disaster for something that's so important.
| by Anonymous | reply 34 | September 5, 2021 4:56 PM |
R30 good point, I hadn't thought of that
| by Anonymous | reply 35 | September 8, 2021 6:22 PM |
Interesting seeing this topic. About a month ago, United Healthcare sent me a notice that I could get something like Cologuard free. They sent me a large plain envelope containing a small test tube and instructions on how to collect the sample. I plan to do it this week.
I had a full colonoscopy about 10 or 15 years ago. The prep wasn't horrible but you do need to be near the toilet for it. They give you something good to knock you out for the procedure. They wouldn't let me leave until I peed but after that, I was off to the local diner. I was fucking starving!!
| by Anonymous | reply 36 | September 8, 2021 6:57 PM |
Me too, Cosmo.
I was fucking starving. I kicked in the doors at Taco Bell and bought everything!
That damn broth for all meals wasn’t gonna cut it.
| by Anonymous | reply 37 | September 8, 2021 7:41 PM |
R37, don't forget the ice pops. The only ones I like are the grape and cherry but those were the two flavors you can't have!
I made the mistake of having a Big Mac, small fry, and a coke for my last meal. I figured if I couldn't eat real food for 24-hours my last meal should enjoyable.
| by Anonymous | reply 38 | September 8, 2021 8:07 PM |
[quote] They sent me a large plain envelope containing a small test tube and instructions on how to collect the sample
Per my doctor, R36, those skimpy tests are not very effective.
And since most decent insurance pays for the more thorough Cologuard, you just need to ask your doc to order it for you - docs order it w/Rx but it's sent to your house and you send it back. With Cologuard, you won't have to be screened for another 3 years.
| by Anonymous | reply 39 | September 11, 2021 12:56 PM |
Reminds me I need to get one.
Never did. Does it have what a big 💩 picture on the front or what?
| by Anonymous | reply 40 | September 11, 2021 1:02 PM |
Get ready for a FAT BILL if your Cologuard test comes back positive. Hope you have an extra 1900 dollars lying around...They don't tell you about THIS.....LINK...
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 41 | September 11, 2021 1:10 PM |
Am I the only one who brings the Cologuard logo looks like something out of the Google suite of products.
| by Anonymous | reply 42 | September 11, 2021 1:19 PM |
My husband and I were laughing about this the other day. Many people might not realize that the Cologuard mascot is the box. So we were laughing and making up "alternative" commercials. My favorite: The commercial starts with an empty sound stage. The Cologard box walks into the shot, stops, looks at the camera, and exclaims, "Shit in me!"
| by Anonymous | reply 43 | September 11, 2021 2:35 PM |
[quote] Hope you have an extra 1900 dollars lying around.
That seems like HER insurance issue, R41.
Per your linked article, the bill is not from or for Cologuard but for the colonoscopy she got to double check the Cologuard results. Most insurance will cover the colonoscopy but, some, like hers don't.
| by Anonymous | reply 44 | September 11, 2021 3:04 PM |
I'd drop this off at work's front desk with outgoing mail. Our deskman is a nosy old cunt. It would give him something to bitch about.
I thought one of the benefits of colonoscopy was a scraping of the bowel barnacles making for a speedier track.
| by Anonymous | reply 45 | September 11, 2021 3:14 PM |
Dear OP,
Thank you for contacting Cologuard. Our records show you're a dirty whore who often has cum splashed in your eyes. We wanted to ensure that you put your shit in the right box, so we made our logo easy for you to see.
Your opinion matters to us. Thank you for choosing Cologuard.
| by Anonymous | reply 46 | September 11, 2021 3:16 PM |
I just did one of these through Kaiser, so not Cologuard. There was a tiny vial with fluid, it had a tiny stick attached to the top like a toothpick. You had to poke your poop with the pick, then seal it in the fluid vial. It’s not like there was a piece of poop in there, just microscopic particles.
| by Anonymous | reply 47 | September 11, 2021 3:24 PM |
This whole thread reminds of me how happy I am to have worked myself up and out of the mailroom.
| by Anonymous | reply 48 | September 11, 2021 3:26 PM |
[quote] There was a tiny vial with fluid, it had a tiny stick attached to the top like a toothpick.
Those are the cheapo tests, R47.
With Cologuard, you have that little vial but also send lump of your actual poo. There's a "collection" contraption included which allows you to poop in the included container..
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 49 | September 11, 2021 3:43 PM |
Is this a stealth scat thread?
| by Anonymous | reply 50 | September 11, 2021 3:46 PM |
My brother did Cologuard and it came back normal. 6 months later he was diagnosed with colon cancer (he was having bowel issues).. Because of him, most of our family got off our asses ( no pun intended) and got our colonoscopies because colon cancer has a strong genetic link that we never knew was there until my brother’s diagnosis. No one else had cancer thankfully. He was treated successfully and is 2 years out, cancer-free. PSA, Cologuard is 92% accurate, so there is always that 8% chance is could be wrong. If you have a family history of colon cancer, it’s not for you. Family history per the Cologuard website being one or more first-degree relatives diagnosed with colon or rectal cancer before the age of 60, or two or more first degree relatives diagnosed with colon or rectal cancer of any age.
| by Anonymous | reply 52 | September 11, 2021 3:51 PM |
So are there people whose job it is to unbox an endless parade of anonymous shit, like the worst Christmas ever?
| by Anonymous | reply 53 | September 11, 2021 3:59 PM |
R47's description is what I do yearly. I will get my 10 year Colonscopy in 2024.
| by Anonymous | reply 54 | September 11, 2021 4:03 PM |
If your insurance pays for a colonoscopy and most do, get a real person to look. Stop being pussies or you may die a horrible death.
| by Anonymous | reply 55 | September 11, 2021 4:08 PM |
I'll say this again because I guess people missed it earlier at R11
The only reason one should do Cologuard INSTEAD of a Colonoscopy is if the hospitals/ICUs in your area are stressed because of Covid patients.
Colonoscopies are VERY safe but if something does go wrong you don't want to be left waiting on a gurney in the parking lot because the COVIDiots are overflowing your local hospitals.
Cologuard is 92% accurate and buys you about 3 years until needing a colonoscopy. Hopefully this covid nonsense will be tamped down by then.
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 56 | September 12, 2021 3:49 AM |
OP - others have stated this, but in case you missed it, since your mother had colon cancer, you are not a candidate to use cologuard. You should go get a colonoscopy, even if you're only 45.
| by Anonymous | reply 57 | September 12, 2021 4:31 AM |
R44 = You Idiot. You see a woman and say "that doesn't apply to me". Since reading isn't for you perhaps you should enjoy the video?
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 58 | September 12, 2021 5:09 AM |
WTF are you going on about R58?
Nothing in what I said at R44 had anything to do with her gender, it had to do with HER INSURANCE company. Gadzooks, talk about reading not being a strong suit.
She got a bill from THE HOSPITAL where she got her colonoscopy because HER INSURANCE didn't cover the procedure because, per their specific rules, they paid for the non-invasive home test. Which, again, if reading ain't your string suit, is NOT the case for all insurance policies. So, the lesson is, check with your insurance before you get that double-checking colonoscopy - and if they don't cover it you probably have a crap plan and should switch.
And, like I said before, it doesn't seem like Cologuard has any say in this and they certainly didn't send her a bill, so why people are blaming them is beyond me. This is an insurance company issue.
I'll repost the article from R41 and, this time R58, maybe have someone read it to you and explain.
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 59 | September 12, 2021 7:39 AM |
How naked are you? I’m a bottom becaise I have a puny penis. Also a grower. How naked will I be?
| by Anonymous | reply 60 | March 22, 2022 6:56 AM |
I’m putting off doing my cologuard test. They keep calling me wanting to talk about it.
| by Anonymous | reply 61 | March 22, 2022 7:11 AM |
In case anyone is interested, they're hiring!
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 62 | March 22, 2022 7:28 AM |
I just did a similar test through Kaiser, it was in a plain white box. They detected blood ( I do have hemorrhoids & did a clean test one year ago). Just be grateful for our medical advancements, OP. My grandma died from colon cancer. Grow up!
| by Anonymous | reply 63 | March 22, 2022 7:36 AM |
So shit is in our postal system?
I mean, it likely always was in the same way that money is contaminated with drugs, but...
| by Anonymous | reply 64 | March 22, 2022 7:59 AM |
OP - Even if the package was unlabeled, we have ways to film people who send turds through the mail:
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 65 | March 22, 2022 11:54 AM |
Clearly labeled parcels also help prevent the potential for horror associated with a delivery to an incorrect address:
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 66 | March 22, 2022 12:04 PM |
Is Cologard even reliable? I read it only catches 42% of large polyps.
| by Anonymous | reply 67 | July 16, 2023 4:37 PM |
I ordered one through my doctor. I kept putting it off, but Cologuard would not stop calling and texting. The reason was that they only get paid for processed tests, not for the kit itself. When I got the actual colonoscopy, they found two polyps. The prep is awful - it taste bad and you are constantly shitting - but the procedure was very easy and painless.
| by Anonymous | reply 68 | July 16, 2023 4:44 PM |
Don’t worry about it, nobody’s going to make a big deal about it.
| by Anonymous | reply 69 | July 16, 2023 4:47 PM |
[quote]OP, can't you just be grateful that you don't have to have a colonoscopy? I don't give a-- well, CRAP what's on the box, as long as I don't have to endure that.
Don't want to endure having someone shove a camera up your manhole while unconscious?
| by Anonymous | reply 70 | July 16, 2023 4:52 PM |
OP is a drama queen.
IF YOU READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, you can call a carrier for a pickup and simply place the box outside your front door.
I did it this way, failed and went to the colonoscopy. Found a cancerous polyp, that was removed, and a year later cancer free.
It is worthwhile.
| by Anonymous | reply 71 | July 16, 2023 4:53 PM |
R61 R68 They’re very aggressive.
“Destroy me, daddy.”
Offsite Link| by Anonymous | reply 72 | July 16, 2023 5:31 PM |
What are you bitching about, OP?
Last year I saved a day's worth of pee in a giant two-gallon jug and then Fedexed it to Chicago.
Not kink. Kidney stones.
| by Anonymous | reply 73 | July 16, 2023 6:37 PM |
Sorry, I thought this was a post about those fat girls who can't be cheerleaders, but instead wave flags around at football games.
| by Anonymous | reply 74 | July 16, 2023 6:55 PM |
